July 4th, 2019

There is a river that flows between heaven and earth, it’s waters are swift and it’s current deep.

I tried to carry you and Matthew through the currents but my strength was not enough. I cried out to Jesus and in that moment He came to our rescue. I pleaded with Him, “please, let me hold them across these deep waters”. I saw the tears streaming down His face as he held out His arms. He knew before I ever did that my strength would not be enough for this journey ahead. I looked deep into His eyes searching for some other way but it was clear that these waters were beyond my comprehension. In that moment the words fell from my mouth, “they are yours Jesus, they have always been yours.” The tears streamed down our faces as he held his arms out, patiently waiting for me to find the strength to give up my most precious gifts.

I pulled you close for one last kiss, I held our son for one last embrace and then, I stretched out my arms and He embraced you and Matthew. We stood there in the current and stared at you both for what seemed like eternity. He did not move, He did not rush; I stood there taking in every detail of your face, every beautiful memory of you from our days in Highschool to the happiest moments of our lives. I touched your hair one last time, I gave you both one last kiss and then I watched as our Savior turned and carried you across the river of heaven and into a paradise more glorious than I could ever imagine.

As He reached the shore he set your feet on the glistening sand and you looked back. You held Matthew in your arms and you waved to me one last time. I stood in the swift waters knowing that I only had a moment for my strength was failing but I could not turn away. How does one turn from a soulmate and an only son? My legs began to waiver, my body began to crumble and my heart began to crack. I began to sink into the swift waters. It took my breath away and brought me to my knees. I began to drown but still could not turn away. In that moment a hand pulled me up through the white water, a voice called me by a new name and arms with strength not of this world held me close. Our God carried me across to the other side and set me on the shore.

I looked across the great expanse as He crossed over to you and our son. We stood on opposite shores, how I longed to be with you both.

I have so many questions my love.

How can we possibly traverse this life without you?

Our young daughters need there mommy, how can they possibly live without your love?

Who will teach them about womanhood?

All of me, is all of you; how can I exist without you?

And then, as quickly as the questions came, They were placed to rest with a single voice..

I AM

I AM her motherly potent love

I AM the one who will hold you

I AM the one who will fill what you lack

I AM the strength on the hill tops

I AM the sorrow in the valley

I AM your peace that passes understanding

I AM the overcomer of fear

I AM the lifter of your head

I AM the fulfiller of promises

I AM your protector

I AM the love you seek

I AM the victory in your pain

I AM with you always

I AM